An Insecured Writer’s Rambles: Will My Writing Have Meaning?

 

*Note: Am participating in the #Write28Days (February) hosted by Anita Ojeda. Click here if you would like to participate.

 

Just celebrated a birthday last month. My 48th one. I’m finding it difficult to believe that I am almost the big 5-0 when most of the time my mind thinks I’m still in my 20’s.

Where on earth did the time go?

I can clearly remember my parents saying the same thing to me when they were in their 40’s.  The sad reality is, my father’s no longer with us. He passed away in 2014. He was only 67.

In my eyes, he was the true steward of God using his carpentry skills (he was so gifted with his hands especially in woodworking, crafting beautiful things) and his time for the church.  Those who knew my father always commented on how cheerful he was, all smiles and loved to whistle tunes from the 60’s as he worked.

Now, I’m looking at myself and wondering, what will people remember about me when I am gone from this earth? How have I used my talent/gift and time to reach others?

After a lifetime with disabilities (hearing and vision loss), I still struggle with my self-worth and whether my writing has any value (especially when most of what I write, both poetry and fiction, tend to be dark). It doesn’t help either when my husband and son think of my writing as just a “hobby” or “fantasy writing.”  And it also doesn’t help when my husband have discouraged me from ever publishing books since I am on disability benefits (there are other factors for his paranoia other than this one reason) when I have many, many stories and poetry within that I wish to share with the world.  So, I have resorted to having my short fiction and poetry published in non-paying zines a few times each year with the remaining items posted on this blog.

Is this me experiencing the dreaded “mid-life crisis?”  Is this me being vain as I worried if all that I’ve written will be lost forever once I am no longer here? How will people remember me? Just a woman who is so and so wife and mother?

I have been given this gift (writing) for a reason, and I don’t want to squander it.  So, no matter what, I will continue to write what’s on my heart and mind through whatever means I can find in the hope of reaching those who need reaching.

 

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8 thoughts on “An Insecured Writer’s Rambles: Will My Writing Have Meaning?

  1. I so truly believe everything but the last paragraph struck me. I have similar questions about my love for languages. I love learning about them (not necessarily learning them). But as it stands, my fondness is of no use. But I also try to think that God gave me that for a reason, as that like is one of the most consistent parts of my life. So, I also believe that you should keep writing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Carrie Ann, this is beautiful and real and I get it, I so get it. I am turning 50 this year and feel half dread and half disbelief. The passing of time, I think, makes all people wonder about their lives and their contributions, but I think this can be even more intense for artists. I think what you said here is so spot on…keep writing your truth, from your heart…..honor your gift and your passion…..know that you are helping and reaching people. A writer’s web can be tangled, but it also sparkles in the most beautiful ways.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear Carrie, thank you for this post. I think that when you need to write, firstly you have to write it all down. It clears your mind. As for publishing, I think we writers feel an urge to share, not for fame or fortune, but to find kindred spirits or opposing ones.

    They both make us grow as a writer and a person. So keep it up. Sometimes the ones closest to us are those who find it the most difficult to understand us deeply. Last week, I showed some new writing of mine to my husband: poems I wrote during my French workshop. His reaction was they are dream-like and not ‘art’; that they need an awful lot of work to be worthwhile ! I felt very hurt, then angry, then I realized that he didn’t really ‘get’ it.
    When we write, we do so because the urge is beyond us, and because we derive a pleasure from it that no other activity can quite fulfill.
    Will we survive in posterity ? Maybe not but who cares. Dickens wrote wonderful
    books and now the only talk is about how he wanted his wife committed to an asylum, in order to be with his true love…Divorce was difficult at the time. Whatever one’s opinion of the man, his writings are art and worth sharing.
    Have a pleasant day. Looking forward to your next post.

    Like

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