*Note: I’m participating in the #Write28Days (February) hosted by Anita Ojeda. Click here if you would like tp participate.
So, really, how confident are you in yourself as a writer and in your writing abilities?
Personally, I can say without hesitation that I have very little confidence in myself as a writer, and many times this lack of confidence stops me from writing.
How sad is that?
What’s holding me back? What am I really afraid of?
Fear of failure? Of what others think about my stories and poems? Fear of success?
The only answers that keep coming back to me are:
I need to write. I need to tell my story-in my own way. The price is too high NOT to write.
Again, what??? These tell me nothing about what I’m afraid of.
Then, another answer rings through my head:
My writing has to be perfect. If I can’t get it just right with the first try, why bother? I’ll never be good enough anyway.
Oh…yeah…this one cuts deep. I keep going back to trying to be good at that one thing. It’s the search that never ends. It all goes back to my childhood when my (hearing) disability made me feel inferior to other normal kids (because they’d thought me strange because I spoke funny, or heard things incorrectly and they’d laugh at me, or called me “booby” when I acted clueless to what was going on around me, etc.). Or when I learned I was slowly losing my sight at the age of 21 just when I was beginning to get a feel of what I wanted for in a career, and this diagnosis shook my confidence, no, it destroyed it, and I gave up any and all aspirations.
On the other side, people who’ve known me for most if not all of my life would tell me how feisty I was when I was younger, how much harder I worked at something when the others believed I’d never be able to accomplish, and I’d do just that, how the guy who used to call me names found out one day he’d pushed me too far when I shove him against a wall with a hockey stick (he never bothered me again after that), and on and on. My own mother said I was the strongest person she’d ever known, and how I was an inspiration to her.
Now, I look at the mirror and I can’t see that girl anymore.
Where did she go?
But, the real question is:
Will she ever return? Is it possible to become that girl again?
I can’t help but to feel so lost. How did I end up being this lost? But, is that necessarily a bad thing? A quote I read some time ago came back:
“Sometimes the only way to ever find yourself is to get completely lost.” – Kellie Elmore
I feel there is truth to this quote. I also believe that the path to re-discovering myself will be through writing; and in writing, I believe I will regain my confidence.